I’m not sure … but I do think that rectangular patch of light is the window … I blink my eyes … my eyelids try to wet my vision into clarity.. Still no use … Leave the window!!!.. I lower my vision a bit. Ahh.. At least I can see my feet … I think I can see my feet.. But I’m still unable to count my toes… DAMN…. So frustrating … there’s not a thing to do… so boring… so damn slow… so damn FRUSTRATING … I want to shift my view.. shake my head .. stretch my arms …. do something at least .. but I CANT … SO FRUSTRATINGngngngn … I HATE THIS BED!!
I hate this room …</div> I hate the doctors.. I hate all nurses…. I hate this very air!! … This damn rotten air … filled with the smell of fresh oxygen.. a whiff of spirit here and there .. of freshly sterilized steel … DAMN… its rotten .. life doesn’t smell like any of these .. ITS THE PATHETIC STENCH OF DEPENDENCE.. and I HATE IT.
There’s a doctor standing right beside me …</div> Hope he understood what I told him yesterday…. Hope the urgency of it PLOUGHED into his skull … he dare not disappoint me … HE DARE NOT…
. have to start controlling myself … Calm down!! … Hmmm … lets go back to the routine of looking … Where were my feet.. Ok … There.. I think I see my feet right there .. …
< YOU THINK??? .. YOU stupid moron…. YOU think you see them?? .. WHY do you have to start assuming things .. WHY don’t you accept that you cant .. FOR ONCE RAGHU, ACCEPT YOUR FATE…. > < Accept that you cant stand .. neither can you sit .. accept the fact that you are on a bed … a lousy third grade cast iron cross-rod bed .. which you could have, once upon a time, bent with your bare hands … which now has become your only support. >
< Why are you still hanging onto this pride … this stupid sense of self-importance .. Where has that led you ??.. your whole life ??…. Nowhere !!!… Nowhere pleasant at least … All your life .. you lived as you wanted to … as you demanded it !! … You were strong .. and you knew that .. you had immense confidence in yourself … You hated the fact that others live their life assuming it was preordained .. and You basked in the feeling that you carved your own path in life .. that you hit the mountains of obstacles … eroded them with your determination … and sculpted your own destiny out of it … with your strength !!!.. with your iron will !!!…. HAH !! .. don’t they seem just like a string of PATHETIC words now?? .. Where is your strength now??, Huh >
Seems funny now … my whole life I couldn’t understand why they used to say .. “life flashes in front of you .. when you die”… And I used to think .. You just die!!.. Its simple ..your body stops functioning .. the continual process of homeostasis is gone … circulation comes to a standstill .. metabolism ends .. and the cells stop generating energy .. the whole mechanism of energy-generation to its usage fades away.. and you become a piece of cold meat.. I never gave death much of a bother … until now….
As I’m searching for my feet … I remember the way I once walked from college to my town … a good 38 kilometer .. just for the heck of it… I remember how I broke them with my rash driving .. and how I limped alone to the doc .. Proud, yeah, That I surely was !!….. Memories !!!… Slowly they all come back to me …. all my jumps .. my runs .. my strides … my falls … they all come back to me… How I jumped high when I won contests .. how I ran to show my results to my mom .. how I excelled at my work .. How I beat down dirty players of politics at my workplace .. how I stepped on their sorry faces and rose above them .. how I showed my fist to the whole world .. How I shook it in triumph … My whole life …..
< YOU PATHETIC PIECE OF MEAT .. Is that all you can think of right now… you .. You .. YOU … even at the final doorstep .. are you not able to see anybody else other that YOUSELF!! … >
I cringe at this thought … I feel like kicking myself .. This shard of consciousness …. which I should have harbored during my life .. is lifting its weary head … now???…at my deathbed ???.. Seems funny doesn’t it?
Those People …How I disregarded them all.. so many of them .. how I considered them unworthy .. lowly .. insignificant .. Damn … I grit my teeth now.. just to feel that pain … I hate the feeling that’s going to hit me now .. I hate to feel that its too late for me … much too late now …
Suchitra would have taken my head in her lap … would have calmed me down .. especially after a hard day’s work .. She hated the way I used to gnash my teeth at every problem … she used to giggle …. “.. You are going to lose all your teeth … you are going to become a toothless old man .. “ … I turn my head .. I can see the doctor beside me now… but I can’t hear him .. But ..I can still hear her giggles .. I can hear the tone of innocence in it… a touch of girlish cuteness.. a ring of pure love … music to my ears …I thought I’d forgotten it … Seems funny how its all coming back to me now ..
I fell in love the moment I saw her … her bold ways …. talking forthright to my father … and … her shy demure look when she first faced me … when we two were left alone … I never knew my jaw would fall like that … at the sight of her … the way she wore that red sari .. perfect poise … with those earrings .. How they danced near her neck … her beautiful pitch black hair … long and wavy .. those tiny curls near her ear … how they seemed to flow downwards .. swirl like oceanic waves near her earlobes .. and splash back towards her face … her cute face .. was sunshine..
How I awoke each day … with her hair on my face .. how they used to tickle my ears … I can still smell her shikakai .. As she sat beside me .. at my bedside .. I could see the sunrays getting filtered through her wet hair .. as she tied them up … slowly … sensually .. that’s what turned those rays golden … I could just see her silhouette …. against the golden canvas of dawn .. as she curled up those wet tresses of hers .. splashing fresh droplets of water all over my face … as she curled them up to into a cute bun over her head .. Through my hazy eyes .. I would say .. “You look like Shiva” .. she would turn back .. nose curled up in mock anger .. and slap me a tight one on my shoulder .. “Shut Up .. Say I look like Parvati … and I would … maybe THINK …. of fixing you a breakfast .. “ and she would raise that nose of hers … like an Empress .. waiting for the threat to sink in… waiting for me to concede .. and I would certainly concede… just to see her face .. erupt into a myriad of girlish giggles .. “Hey .. Lemme go … Get up Lazy Bones .. Lemme go … else who’d fix the Emperor his breakfast.. Lemme go… lemme gooooo” .. as she hops back to the kitchen .. as the dawn entered my home ….
I had so much then … much more than I deserved … unlike the way I’m lying here .. strapped to the bed … I can feel the way .. she used to pull me away from my work .. at night … dim the lights … slowly massage my head … relieve my shoulders … and I used to squirm in bliss … and .. I used to love using her palms as my pillow … “Hey .. gimme my hand back … “ .. as I cuddled up my face in them … shutting my eyes in mock sleep .. I’d open one beady eye …. “May I borrow them till tomorrow morn, Empress? “ .. and her smile filled my night with bliss …
< Yea … Go Right on … You wretched man … Still reminiscing the moments of your happiness .. Did you ever … even once … think about the happiness she might have deserved from you .. DID YOU ?? …. NO SIR !! .. Mr.I-AM-SO-FULL-OF-MYSELF cant find time for that ,…. can he ?? … Are you thinking of Suchi .. just the way she appeared to you ?? .. Is that ALL ??? …Suchi was much more than all of this … You could never imagine that someone could love you.. like she did … You could never understand the concept of unconditional love !!… You never could understand why she perplexed you so much !!.. Your life and education had taught you that every action had a cause behind it … every event was to be credited to some action which was eventually born out of some cause … So love was so simple to you , wasn’t it ???.. You bloody loved somebody because they made you happy .. they made you feel better … and that’s how you loved her … and you thought she too loved you like that … Huh ?? .. I pity you, Raghu!! >
< She loved you more than anything … and you knew that .. as a wife she loved you more than herself .. But … like a fool you harbored your stupid pride …all the way .. gave yourself all the credit for her love .. Didn’t you ?? … Did it ever cross your dense skull as to why she was enduring you … Why she was tolerating you .. after all you made her suffer… >
Please Stop .. Please stop … I’m not feeling very proud of myself …
< You are feeling Sorry NOW ??? …. NOW ??? >
I know … Its too late … But why didn’t I realize it then ?? ,… How could I leave her … Now .. here on this bed .. Why do all those things … things which seemed like the most righteous thing to do at that time .. why do they all seem so RIDICULOUS now … so UTTER STUPID now… I cant believe I lost my Suchi … I cant believe it …
How was I blinded .. so much blinded by my pride … How could I drag her through those painful litigations … How could I suspect her .. like a blind fool … Why didn’t I see the truth back then .. I can still remember her tears … when I divorced her .. I can still remember that day .. and all the while I thought those were tears of self-remorse … sorry tears .. How could I be so mistaken … Now it seems so … her silence was not her shame .. it was pure grief … how her love had betrayed her .. and all the while I thought that I had won … winning .. That’s all that I cared about then .. the mad desire for seeing myself triumph .. Not caring for once !! .. Not seeing my Suchi’s heart for once … for understanding her … Never tried to get out of this fickle cocoon of pride and finding my true happiness .. and I lost her…. I lost my Suchi !!
< Don’t you feel ashamed of yourself, Raghu … What’s the bloody use … Is it of any use at this juncture … For all you care .. she would not have re-married .. she could not .. not the Suchi you married … because she loved you for life .. unlike you … Look at you .. Did you even care to enquire .. even once … about her well being .. You just left the country .. and now you expect her to return .. after almost 30 years … and to do what ?? … to fulfill the wish of her pathetic ex-husband >
I beg you !!… I’m not the man I used to be … I know its all done for .. that its too late … But I have to ask for her forgiveness … while I still have the chance … You are right .. I cant give her back the life she deserved .. But I do want to let her know that her love isn’t gone … that I still love her … I do understand that word now … Its not about having a feeling within oneself… Its about an assurance that someone else has that feeling … Its not about feeling good because you are happy … But being happy because you know that your love is happy … Its about losing yourself in your own point of view … because its filled with the one you love .. where you stop counting the breaths you took.. but start counting the lovely moments which took your breath away ..
My Lord … I’ve never prayed to you … for that matter never believed in you .. I never bowed in front of anybody … feeling that I’m the maker of my fate … But … Now .. I’m on my knees … All I ask is for that one favor .. Let me redeem my sins at her feet ..Let me cleanse myself in front of my Goddess… Grant me enough breaths so that I may have an audience with my Empress … My lord … Just Once .. All I ask is one chance … So that I may prostrate myself in front of her … Feel that familiar .. reassuring .. magical touch of her palm … the shower of love from the divine eyes of … My Sunshine .. My Dawn …. My Suchi …. So that I may … once again in my life … touch Heaven … while I’m still on earth … … …. … … …. … … … … … … … … … … … …
[ The young doctor stands beside the old withered man on the bed …. Young nurses surround them … whispering … not a single glimmer of hope in anyone’s eyes … but still .. The doctor’s eyes say a different story … He had given his word .. and he knew it … his tense hand on the blood-drip stand … All that was visible in that room .. at that moment was the … door … the man’s chest .. which rose and dropped with irregularity … and his watch … His anxious eyes were desperately searching .. ]
[ Suddenly they hear a loud commotion outside the room … people bustling about in the lobby … The doctor’s ears prick up … a tiny flame of hope rises …. he listens .. “Mrs.Nath .. this way … this way … he’s here … Ohh My god .. I hope its not too late …. Mrs.Nath .. this room” ]
[ The door bursts open …. an old woman enters …. she shudders at the sight in front of her … a nurse supports her before her legs give away … as the nurse starts taking Mrs.Nath towards the old man’s head … But she restrains it … kneels down … at the edge of the cot… at his feet … not daring to look at his eyes … as she whimpers … as she hugs his feet .. with the girlish delight of finding an old lost doll … she doesn’t cry … her face is radiant with happiness … the happiness … the pure bliss … that a person experiences … in front of his loved one … or as the doc felt .. like being in front of one’s God … ]
[ Suddenly a nurse starts sobbing audibly … The Doc glares at her in raw anger .. the other nurses hurry her away … as she leaves the room … quite inaudible to Mrs.Nath … she breaks down .. “I cant bear this, Daisy .. Mr.Nath’s been dead for almost 2 minutes when she arrived” .. “Yes dear, I saw the screen .. But how can you break Mrs.Nath like that.. Didnt you see how she held on to him … Purest of the hearts.. that I’ve ever seen” ]
[ The door closes … Mrs.Nath looks up … at her Raghu … she can see his eyes are still open … and … then she sees it … a lone tear .. welling up in his left eye … slowly filling up his eye … and flowing down … She cant bear it .. She runs and scoops up his head into her laps … kisses his forehead … “Raghu … I forgave you .. I’d forgiven you … all I wished was to find you … U never lost me ..RAGHU” .. as she broke down … ]
[ The doc looked on … he knew that the old man’s heart had stopped beating 3 minutes ago .. and he’d also seen the tear welling up … Strangely it didn’t surprise him … His education had taught him two types of death .. Clinical Death (Where the heart stops functioning) and Brain Dead (Where the brain stops functioning) .. Of Course .. without the heart beating .. how would the brain stay alive… from where would it get fresh blood … unless
unless .. it received it from somewhere else ….
The Doc gazed upon his own hand .. still at the Blood-Drip stand … still savagely crushing the blood bag … which was almost empty … he then glanced at the old man .. his arm .. his bulging veins… his neck … a bulging vein there too … his temples .. more bulging veins … The Doc smiled … he relaxed his grip on the blood bag … He had successfully kept his promise .. after all … the smile of pure content on the old man’s dead face .. seemed to thank him ]
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